Never Again
by Shadowed Horizon
Summary: I had often heard the stories of Leafpool and Crowfeather running away together. They had chosen love over duty. Would I? Rated for suicide. WillowxJay one-shot.


**Hey! This is a oneshot that was inspired by...someone really special, and it's decicated to them. It's WillowxJay.  
No, I do not like this pairing. I hate it. But it's the only one that will work.**

**Disclaimer: If I owned _Warriors_, then there woud NOT be so much "OMG I wufflez you!!" There would be action. YAY ACTION!**

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Since I saved Beechpaw from choking, all I ever wanted was to be the best medicine cat there ever was. Doesn't every kit think that before they become apprentices? Of course they do; a kit's ambition is very strong, and will last for most of their apprenticeship. After that, it's just sheer determination that makes them a great warrior or medicine cat.

But how many kits save a life? Not many, I'm betting. My name went around RiverClan for some time; it was a great achievement. Naturally, I felt that my name, my full medicine cat name, would be well-known for generations after my death—just like Cinderpelt or Leafpool. What would it be: Willowpool, Willowcloud or Willowleaf? Those were my favourite names.

I had always known that medicine cats made the greatest sacrifice; they could not love. Love was an important part of Clan life; without it, cats would never mate, therefore no kits would be born. Eventually, clans would die out. I could always understand why a medicine cat could never love, though; who would take care of the clan if their medicine cat were pregnant, or giving birth? Who would help with the medicine cat's birth—what if they died because they had no help? Then what—would the clan be left exposed because they had no cat to heal them or comfort them in the face of crisis?

I never planned to love. _Who_ could I love, anyway? All the other apprentices weren't really my type, if you get what I mean, and I could never love a warrior. There was only one other tom kit in the nursery with me: Minnowpaw's brother. He was a little bossy and snobby, and though I was older, was never incredibly nice toward me.

So I was apprenticed to Mothwing, and the clan cheered for me as Leopardstar commented on how great a medicine cat I would be. At the half moon, I was fully accepted by StarClan to be RiverClan's next medicine cat. I was proud, and I was happy. I could serve my clan in the way that I could best: by healing. I could tell Mothwing was proud as well, and Leafpool was as well. Leafpool helped with my training as much as Mothwing does, maybe even more, because she taught me about StarClan.

As Mothwing continued to teach me, I continued to pay strict attention, like I had done as a kit. What did juniper berries do? How could you tell if a cat has greencough? I learned all the answers all in good time, and I was happy with my duty. I always had plenty to do, whether it was gathering herbs or learning basic hunting and fighting skills with other apprentices. I was proving able in both the basic warrior skills and my medicine cat duties. As I was still quite young, Mothwing refused to give me my full medicine cat name. I never once felt dejected about her decisions.

Maybe two months into my apprenticeship, I meant your sister. She seemed very kind, and was eager to learn. She shared her training with me, and asked me questions about my own training. Do you know all the herbs? Have you had any cases yet? Yes, I know all the herbs, and yes, I have had a couple minor cases, nothing too difficult. She stared at me like I was something extraordinary.

I don't want to be mean, but it's like she doesn't really know anything yet. You are a more worthy candidate. I think your sister only wants the respect that all medicine cats receive from their clans. She seems more interested in clan politics and her reflexes are quite remarkable. She is definitely more capable as a warrior.

Nevertheless, I was disappointed to see a rude, arrogant, blind, ungrateful and miserable cat in the lively apprentice's place—you. You acted as if you didn't know what kindness was, and I was hurt. I'd pretty much lost your sister a friend. Now she would only be seen as an enemy to me. We were no longer equals, but she was my inferior, and I demanded more respect than her.

Kestralpaw was okay, but he was a little self-obsessed and shy. Sure, he talked, but he could never carry out a long conversation. I had thought that you would be able to talk nicely, since you shared genes with your sister. But you pushed me away when I tried to help you, before I even got to know you. Of course I was upset.

I hated your defiance; couldn't you even say thank you? So it was every half moon that I encountered your arrogance. I hated it. Everything will grow on me, eventually. So I suppose your haughtiness did as well, because I no longer considered you a StarClan-forsaken creature. You were still hard toward me. But there was one day when I saw you in my dream. You said hi. That was the start of our semi-friendship.

Mothwing was delighted that I had finally made a friend of you, after seeing us exchanging a few words whenever we met. I never replied to my mentor's enthusiastic comments about you. She believed that your hard shell had finally cracked, enough for you to actually talk to someone apart from your mentor.

I know that you were simply trying to make up for our very first encounter—or were you?

It took time, but I finally fell for you. It was probably longer for you to see me more than a friend, but that could be because you concealed feelings so often. It was only rarely that I caught wind of something other than your sulking.

Again, you came to me in a dream, and I confessed my liking for you, my love. You touched your nose to mine and pressed your flank against mine. You were warm, and your scent was sweet, overlaid with catmint, water mint and juniper berries. It is a familiar smell to me, as all medicine cats carry that scent. But yours carried a certain aura of love and warmth. You didn't have to say anything; I knew immediately that you loved me.

This went against everything I ever knew. I was breaking the promise I'd made to myself, so long ago. Duty or love; which should I choose? StarClan think they can solve every problem. They offer reassurance, yes, but more often than not they make life difficult for us medicine cats; their prophecies are never clear, so when danger comes, we are less prepared to fend off the threat.

I had often heard the stories of Leafpool and Crowfeather running away together. They had chosen love over duty. Would I?

I received my name the next time we visited. When Mothwing proclaimed my name as Willowcloud, I was overjoyed. So were you, though you didn't say anything. You called my name like the other medicine cats, and your tail flicked in happiness. It was that day that you received your name as well; I was surprised as you that we had both received out names, because I was older than you. Your name rolled off my tongue like song: Jayfeather.

I was incredibly joyful. But I couldn't show any more excitement than the usual congratulation, maybe a bit more enthusiasm since our mentors thought that we were now friends.

Would you call us "friends"? Although we love each other, we are not mates. To the whole forest, we are simply friends, and nothing more.

StarClan are not blind; perhaps they sensed you coming to my dreams to talk to me, to share affection. It was our old medicine cat, Mudfur—you wouldn't remember him, he died in the old forest—who came to me to warn me of what was becoming of us.

Why should I have worried? We had not mated, and we probably never will. To risk the wrath of StarClan and both our clans would be more than I could bear. To be separated from you forever would be eternal torture, for I will always, always love you.

Harsh words were exchanged between RiverClan's newest medicine cat and their most recently deceased one. He promised a curse would befall me if I did not cease loving you. I am not afraid of curses.

But whenever I gaze at my mother's newest litter—Snowkit and Frostkit—my heart burns with hurt and envy. When my younger brother and sister play, my mother and father watch with loving eyes, flanks brushing and tails entwined. Occasionally, they will exchange a couple affectionate licks and nuzzles.

Why can't I be watching a litter of young kits romping about with you by my side? Why can't it be you and me whose tails are twisted together in love, whose flanks grey pelts are mingling? This is the fault of StarClan.

StarClan.

It is StarClan who decreed that medicine cats cannot love or ever bear kits. It is StarClan who forbade cross-clan relationships.

But what you are forbidden to do, or have, you always want more of. Perhaps this is why I love you so much, why my heart aches whenever we are separated by many, many paw steps. It is all I can ever do to stop myself rushing after you whenever I catch sight of you. It breaks my heart, yet I know that I cannot change StarClan's rules. To turn my back on them would be to turn my back on life itself.

Or is it?

Leafpool and Crowfeather ran away. But they came back shortly thereafter. It is evident that they felt that duty was more important than love. So now I am faced with this choice: duty, or love? Will it be you or my clan, where I grew up, where I learned about life?

I look up at the stars. They twinkle back at me merrily, but show nothing. All the clans say that StarClan will guide us through whatever trouble arises. StarClan is not helping now. In fact, they are making everything worse. They are not simply urging me to make a choice, but instead are forcing me to give you up and focus all my energy on my clan, for that is where my duties lie.

In my opinion, half-clan cats and outsiders are stronger than pure-bred forest cats. Of course, a kittypet or loner would not be physically stronger than a clan cat if they joined a clan; they would be overpowered by an experienced apprentice in a mere play fight in a matter of heartbeats. I am talking mentally stronger: the ability to ward off hurtful comments and stand up for what they believe is right, even if it's them against StarClan. All five clans could use more of them.

I'm not saying I'll bear your kits. I don't want to betray StarClan, and I don't want to turn from the code that has been set ever since Thunderstar, Windstar, Riverstar and Shadowstar ruled.

Even without knowing who the father of my kits were, if I ever had kits, would set everyone against me. Snowkit and Frostkit would no longer look up to me; Dawnflower would stop loving me; Leopardstar and Mistyfoot would shame me in front of the three other clans. Mothwing, I know you know, has no faith in StarClan, yet she too would be disappointed that I had taken a mate.

What you do if you heard that I had had kits, but no one knew who the father was? Would you be proud that you were now a father, or would you be shocked to the core that you were a father?

StarClan, of course would be furious. Would Mudfur carry out that threat?

What am I talking about? I don't care about a silly curse. They act like they own the forest. As I look about camp, I am somewhat disgusted by the cowards in my clan. They are all so carefree, and they trust StarClan to do everything for them. My view now is that StarClan are cruel.

They _killed_ Mudclaw. Could they not have just sent a dream rather than be violent? Mudclaw, although he was a traitor, he was an exceptional warrior. All the clans knew that. And they didn't send clear messages about the badger attack; StarClan _knew_ what was going to happen, but did they come down and tell them that badgers would invade the clans? No, they had to send dreams about claws and fangs. Oh, wow. Dogs have claws, and they have fangs. For StarClan's sake, _cats_ have fangs and claws!

StarClan make life hard for all cats. But our lives are especially hard, for we can never admit it out loud. I would love to, but I can never change StarClan's ways. Besides, who would support my decision? You would. But who else would?

StarClan, why are you doing this? Why are you making everything so hard for me?

I would kill myself if it meant that we could be together forever. But I would never want to see you dead, so I force myself to live, knowing that each second alive means that I can never be with you.

I hate StarClan.

It's their fault that we would be shunned if anyone found about our love.

_Duty or love?_

I gaze at the lake. It looks tempting to jump into, swim until I can't move a muscle, and drift down, down into oblivion.

_Duty or love?_

_Willowcloud, don't do it! You have your whole life ahead of you!_ What kind of life would I live—separation from you? Can I really live like that?

_Duty or love?_

Jayfeather, I love you. I would gladly yell it out to the world, but fear of being punished pulls me down. The lake catches my eye again.

_Don't do it!_

I imagine your voice, your sweet voice, calling to me in desperation. Is it really my thoughts?

_Willowcloud, no!_

I turn. It really is you. You're running toward me, and your jaws are parted in a yowl of fear. Can I really do this?

_Duty or love?_

_Jayfeather_… _RiverClan…_

_Duty or love?_

I look back at the lake. My mind is set. I turn fully to face the expanse of water and jump. I swim out into the middle…my paws are getting weary. I turn and gaze back at you.

_Duty or love?_

I can feel your gaze on me, and your desperation and love. I smile weakly. A wave washes over my head and it takes me a couple heartbeats to resurface. I was never a strong swimmer, even if I am a RiverClan cat.

_Duty or love?_

The last thing I see before the darkness crashes over me is your grey pelt struggling toward me.

I open my eyes. I am no longer underwater, and you are beside me. I purr; finally, we can be together…forever. It no longer matters to me that StarClan would not accept us for what we had done.

_Duty or love?_

I had chosen love, and I can finally say what I have always wanted to say out loud.

"Jayfeather…I love you."

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**I think it's a little rushed, even though it's like 6 pages. It switches from past to present too quickly. -.- But, I still like it --a lot!! Hit that purple button and review!!**

** --Cloudfire +i s F l y i n g F r e e+**


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